Look Both Ways

I’ve been traveling since I was a young girl.

One of my very first memories was traveling to visit family in Guatemala with my mom and Mema. I vividly remember few things: a pet parrot, bathing in a bucket with a water hose, and eating way too many frozen chocolate covered bananas.

I’ve been traveling alone since I could drive a car, legally.

Kids these days will never know the joy of printing out your trip route from Mapquest.. nor will they know the inconvenience of missing an exit and having to reroute yourself without the help from technology. The good days , ha.

Each place I visit allows me to remember that life truly could go so many ways.

I don’t really know what I want to do with my life.

I mean, I know what’s important, I know what makes me happy, and I know what I want from life. That, I know.

I know that spending time with the people I love is very important to me.

I know that traveling, road-trips, and experiencing new places makes me very happy.

I know that taking care of myself, being intentional with my choices, and moving my body is what I need.

I know that nothing makes me feel more alive than dancing alone in my kitchen.

I know that nothing makes me feel more free than swimming in a large body of water on a sunny day.

But as far as “what I want to do with my life”, that is just a constant day dream of possibilities.

Some people know exactly what they want down to the number of kids and color of their picket fence.

Sometimes I do think that may have been an easier route. You know? To make a plan early and stick to it.

I picture my life going in so many ways.

My problem is that I know I could be happy wherever my feet are. It’s not the worst problem to have, I guess.

I know that I could be happy married to a good man with some little rugrats running around that look like me. I know that I could be happy being a single and child-free woman who travels often and can be found in the Mediterranean during the summer.

I’ve lived a thousand lives. I’ve been so many versions of myself. I’ve shed as many parts of myself as I’ve kept. I’m not afraid to shapeshift. I’m not afraid to fall and pick myself up and try again with what’s left over.

I’ve lived in Louisiana, Tennessee, North Carolina, and California. And I’m considering moving to Texas next. I’ve been a nanny, a bartender, a corporate employee, a personal assistant, a housekeeper, and a waitress.

I’ve been single by choice and I’ve been crazy in love. I miss being in love.

At 30-years-old I have finally learned how to properly love myself. Not the face mask and spa day love yourself - but the kind of loving yourself that starts with being so tired of your own shit that you decide to cut the distractions, find some clarity, and actually hold yourself accountable. This involves a lot of self discipline - after all, self discipline is the highest form of self love. I’m not sure who said that but it’s true.

And for someone who has been single for three years, I think I am finally beginning to grasp what it means to be in a relationship with someone else. An actual partnership is the complete opposite of what I’ve ever experienced, and it’s most interesting to me that I realized this by simply being alone.

And while I do appreciate that I can see both sides of the road. It does get hard to choose which way to go.

Oh look, who knew I could even go off on a tangent through typing my words.. only me.